A whisper and a sigh

People dying.

Slowly, swiftly, quietly, or loudly.

Death is not something that people want to directly look at. Maybe around the peripheral, but not straight on. Not where they can see a body slowly wasting away while the mind doesn’t… or where they can see a mind wasting away and the body just responding in kind.

I’m used to dealing with people I love dying. It seems to have been a trend in these last years. There has been three or more people I love dying or ending up dead EVERY YEAR.

 

But.. I’ve never had to share my mourning over potential death with someone else.

 

When a family member has died my family has mourned, and I have mourned, and we all did our thing independantly.

My family, apparently, dies quietly and in the night. That’s not always the case. Obviously.

There’s always that slow death.

Even if you don’t die at the end.

M’s father has been diagnosed with lung AND colon cancer. He will probably end up losing most of his colon and having a bag. That sucks for sure, but it’s better than death? Maybe? Maybe. Hopefully. I wouldn’t want a colon bag. But I also don’t want to die. I still smoke. So who knows.

However, the real subject here, is mourning. Dealing with this. Dealing with sadness and being a supportive person. I have a relationship with M’s father that does not include M. His Father and I have a wonderful friendship. So I’m mourning a friend.

He’s mourning a Father.

How do I support him while I’m trying to be human enough to go to work tomorrow?

I can’t smile, I can’t “chin up,” I can’t just keep on keepin’ on.

This is fucked.

Ah well that’s my life.

 

 

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Productivity

I’m doing it! I’m being productive. Woo woo..

I mean, for the most part.. as best as I can be productive. Which on my days off is not a lot. I got two gallon zip lock bags full of jewelry sorted, so that was a success. I managed to get most of my clothes put away and the rest in a queue to be washed as opposed to being a big pile on the guest bed.

I’m writing in my blog. So that counts too, yah?

I’ve got a couple of people who want me to build them websites. Nothing big or tricky, as my knowledge is incredibly outdated, but still they want some kind of online presence. Information about their businesses. Considering they’re both independent/single employee/self employed people, it really is just more like a URL business card. I think I can do it and I can always use that scratch.

Today I’ve also dumped about 2000 pictures off of my cell phone and gotten them onto my PC. I may go through and pick a few to put up here, but generally the pics I like the most are getting posted on Instagram anyway.

So on that note, I’d best get off the PC and go finish my productive day.

Another Saturday

And here I am! Writing in my blog. Way to go me. Way to GO.

I worked another long day. Two jobs will do that to a girl. I thought I should take a moment or two to update..

Again, nothing new in my life! Work and work and work and work.. and work and work and work and.. work. Over and over every day! Only two 12 hour days.

I’m dying to start drawing and painting but our new apartment is strictly carpeted and that makes me nervous to get all crazy with the paints.

Tomorrow I will be making a quick three hour drive south to see my mama for Mothers Day! Hoping I skate through P-town traffic, but who knows with it being a ‘holiday’ and all.

I was hoping to head south after my shift at the bar but, I wasn’t able to get out at any realistic time and I just can’t see for shit at night anymore.

So with that being said, I’m going to go back to doing a lot of nothing on my computer.. and just being happy JediNinja is up and running. ❤

 

xoxo
A

Goals

..

 

I’ve spoken a lot about goals in the last few posts I’ve made. Goals to write more, to lose weight, to do all kinds of things. And guess what? They never get done. That is because I’m shit at goals.

I don’t like goals. Goals are not realistic to me.

I’ve moved, once more, surprise! surprise!, and now I’ve finally set up my PC in a place I may actually use it, so here’s to hoping.

I don’t use instagram half as much as I should and I mostly lurk on facebook. I would honestly like to do more blogging and perhaps I will. I make no promises but the idea is there.

I’m hoping I can start working from home. Doing some fiverr jobs maybe or just finding something a little less stressful that pays a bit more money. One can dream, yeah? yeah.

I just finished reading American Gods for the first time. I was happy though the ending left a bit to be desired.. or maybe I just wanted the book to go on forever. I’m not sure if I liked it but I definitely didn’t dislike it.  It was well written. The point of view was fresh. Fuck the whole universe was fresh and new and unlike anything else I had ever read.

.. I think I just didn’t want it to end.

And with that being said, if some links are down or what have you, please know I’m actively doing some house cleaning. Refreshing links, updating things I haven’t looked at in a really really long time.

 

xoxo

A